You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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