Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
