That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
