I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
