Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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