This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
