So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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