I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
