I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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