So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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