During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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