I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
