I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
