My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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