Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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