I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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