Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
