i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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