im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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