Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
