She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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