I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
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Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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