i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
