I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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