i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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