Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
