I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They took my balls.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
sex in a hospital.. check
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
