Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
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I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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