Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She bit a glass in half.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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