I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
well you can't waste a boner
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
