I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
