There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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