i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
