Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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