Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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