Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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