The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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