i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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