The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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