he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
