I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
