My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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