Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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