The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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