someone threw a dead crab at me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it glows. i had to have it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
