the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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