Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
