Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
