please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
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I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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