Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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