peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
