I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
