3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
youre lurking in front of me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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