Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
