You're so nebulous sometimes
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
