He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
