i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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